“I have a lot of resentment towards my dad. I wanted my dad to recognize how great I did. I want to earn my dad’s love and acceptance.”
Most of the people I work with have significant traumas in their lives. We get so far and working to heal those traumas, and then the bitterness and resentment becomes visible. Bitterness and resentment that they hold against parents, siblings, spouses from things that happen long ago. The two are coping mechanisms against pain, but are actually a trap of pride, as if holding the resentment and bitterness against someone somehow makes the other suffer. The one who holds onto bitterness and resentment suffers having to live in a way that is in authentic. They have to hold onto those feelings to keep score, but it makes the miserable, eats them alive on the inside.
“Holding on to resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
In many cases, upstream of bitterness and resentment is guilt or sadness about the consequences of making certain choices in life. The scorned wife holds bitterness and resentment against her husband, because she has unresolved guilt for making a poor choice in marriage. The addicted man has bitterness and resentment because his parents were not well equipped, and some of his emotional needs were unfulfilled. The remedy is to push that bitterness and resentment away, to dare to live on the other side of it. Holding on to it creates an illusion of power over past hurts, but it’s only an illusion. Recognize your sadness about the painful event or interaction. That’s the root. Let the sadness be there. Connect with it and have compassion and understanding for yourself. We’re not addressing behavior here, whether or not what you did was right or wrong. You’re here to connect with the you who suffered in that moment, see that suffering, see what needs were unfulfilled in that moment, and connect with that younger you, offering the hand of compassion.
“Com-passion” to “suffer with.”
This is where most people get stuck. They blame their younger selves for the pain they suffer today, for having made that unwise decision or done that stupid thing, then they hold a debt over the head of that younger self, a debt that cannot be repaid. Then they’re stuck. You have to let go of that debt against your younger self. Understand that he did the best he could in the moment, and in hindsight his best was pretty awful, but recognizing his suffering in that state, connecting with his suffering, and allow yourself to be moved with pity for him in the way that Christ was moved with pity for those who mourned the death of Lazarus. It’s not a condescending sort of pity, but the pity of seeing the sadness of others and being moved by it.
You cannot overcome what you’re trying to overcome if you hold debts against others, especially your parents, siblings, spouse, or even yourself. They’re not going to pay it, and you’ll suffer the most of all.
