There are many concerns for the man who struggles against unwanted same-sex attraction. One primary concern that is often an obsession is the question, “am I masculine enough?” These men often feel like outsiders, not connected with actual men in actual masculine spaces, and experiences himself as something other than a “real man”, because he lacks the foundational experience of mentorship into manhood by a man he perceived as strong and good.
The pursuit of masculinity is an incomplete pursuit. Same-sex attraction is an identity disorder which might also be described as a perceived masculinity deficit. The masculinity isn’t missing, it’s there inside of him, it just hasn’t been realized and he needs a real man to connect him with it. He will likely not experience his own masculinity in the friendships or relationships other men who also have same-sex attraction because he sees them like he sees himself, as “not a real man”, something defective or deficient, something safe, but not authentic. The pursuit instead ought to be for the man with same-sex attraction to connect himself with that authentic masculinity that already exists inside of him.
The man with same-sex attraction needs to realize that different men are built for different things. There are stereotypes of men and cultural messages that embrace those stereotypes, and there are marketing ploys aimed at connecting with certain parts of us that fit those stereotypes. The muscular man is a very popular stereotype that many men with same-sex attraction believe is the ideal man. They see him as the prime example of masculinity, and many of these men believe they could finally achieve that masculinity if they had that body, but it’s not the case. Many men have built that muscular body and still feel like they don’t measure up. Outward appearances don’t fix the masculinity problem. Some people have the genetics to build a big muscular body, to lift and carry heavy weights, to perform great feats of strength and stamina, but most people don’t. This doesn’t make them more masculine or more of a man.
Men are fashioned by God in other ways than just more genetically capable to do tough physical work. Goliath in the Bible was just known for being huge, and for being a turd and blaspheming Our Lord. That’s not very manly or masculine. The height of masculinity is using one’s God-given abilities to fulfill God’s plan for their lives. While there are men who can lift 1,000 pounds, most men can’t and could never achieve it with all the time and training in the world. Various men are given gifts of being good with numbers, or music, or have a stomach and temporal virtue to practice medicine. Some men are better suited for working with their hands as mechanics or plumbers, or as custodial staff. These are not any less masculine than lifting 1,000 pounds.
It is important for the man with same-sex attraction (or any man actually) to understand his place in the world, better descried as God’s plan for his life. This is established in part by understanding one’s physical and mental abilities, what are his physical and mental abilities, and how does God want him to use those abilities in his life. Being in a state of habitual mortal sin is the single biggest obstacle to knowing God’s plan, so the pursuit of masculinity will never be a successful one while one habitually uses pornography or masturbates. There are physical changes to the brain that basically makes one numb, makes life colorless. Masturbation also lowers testosterone levels, and makes you hate yourself. No man stands up and cheers after he beats one off. It’s not some great accomplishment nor even a trivial one like winning a game of Madden NFL. It’s a life suck. Generally speaking, as long as any man is a slave to his passions, he will feel anemic, a life full of shame, envy, guilt, lack of masculinity.
